When the doves cry
by Ken's luver
Summary: last sequel to 'Not crazy' Trying to keep positive works for a while, but Ken has this horrible feeling washing over him. Very dark and character deaths. You have been warned. (complete)
1. 'When the doves cry'

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon. Do you honestly think I would be writing a fanfiction, if I did?  
  
(A/N: Okay, I didn't get many reviews for the first sequel, but that matters not! These fics are for me to work out feelings, which would otherwise be directed into a negative action. I have decided that this will most likely be a trilogy, considering the mood I am in, but hey, it could change by the time I reach the end of it, so we'll see. Oh yeah, this is pretty long, so sorry if I bore you. Also, I think it would make a hell of a lot more sense if you read 'Not crazy' then 'Two steps forward, one step back' and then this one, as this is like a trilogy, but hey it's up to you. This most probably will be very dark, so you have been warned.)  
  
"When the doves cry."  
  
  
  
So here I am again. Sitting in this rectangular office. She is wearing a blue suit this time, but everything else is the same. Except for me that is. I thought I was supposed to improved, not get worse. Because that's what is happening to me. I'm slipping.  
  
"Mr. Ichijouji?"  
  
That's what she calls me now, ever since I told her that I didn't like the way she said my first name like we were friends. We weren't and we still aren't. I am her patient and she is my psychologist.  
  
"Mr. Ichijouji?"  
  
So here I am again, back to square one. Most of the way I am acting right now is my own fault, my own stubbornness. I can't help it, I just feel so damn irritated with everyone and everything. Too much is going on in my head; the voice is there more frequently. Especially at home when I am with my parents.  
  
"Mr. Ichijouji."  
  
"Oh, just cut the 'Ichijouji crap and call me Ken!"  
  
I breathe and close my eyes, "Sorry. I'm just very irritable lately."  
  
"Care to talk about it?"  
  
I shake my head and turn to the window again.  
  
"Ken, you were doing so well. What happened?"  
  
Just leave me alone, please. Why does she insist on pushing things with me? I'm tired. I'm only happy when I am with my friends and when I am home; I just want to be anywhere but there. I still don't know who I really am and I thought talking about my problems would make me feel better.  
  
She has gotten up and is now standing in front of the window, marring my view of the cloudy sky. The glare of the sun trying to pierce through the stubborn, gray clouds makes her form a silhouette. Before anymore thoughts can enter my head, she grabs my arm and drags me to the window. I'm to shocked to protest. She forcefully pushes open the sliding door of the balcony and shoves me to the railing; she is standing behind me, holding my arms. I'm too shocked and slightly afraid to question her.  
  
"There Ken! Is that what you want? Is that what you wanted? To meet your death, by jumping off here?"  
  
I swallow, is it? Is it really what I want? I don't know anymore. No, I'm so happy with Yolei and Davis in my life, not to mention Wormmon.  
  
I shake my head.  
  
She pushes me closer to the railing, "Is it Ken?"  
  
"NO!" I shout to her and she relaxes her grip on me, leading me back inside the rectangular office. I collapse back into the large burgundy chair, my bandages long since removed; now exposing slight scars.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ken, but I can see you are improving, I don't want to see you become your own worst enemy and throw all that progress away." She smoothes her short blue skirt before sitting in her chair, opposite the mahogany desk, in front of me.  
  
"Am I really improving?" I ask a little to bitterly.  
  
"That depends on you Ken."  
  
"Enough with the riddles! Lets just talk straight for once! Yeah, okay, I'm tired, the reason is, my parents have been a hindrance lately, dragging me down, and making me think…bad things, negative thoughts. And, there have been these…nightmares that are waking me up at night."  
  
"Care to tell me what the dreams are about?"  
  
I sit there thinking back to just last night.  
  
I was tossing and turning before I did finally drift off and then, I saw me in my Emperor clothes and TK standing opposite to me in my base.  
  
'You have a lot of nerve, sneaking into the base of the most powerful being in the Digital World.'  
  
TK frowned at first and then started to suppress a laugh. It was like watching a movie play in my head, this clearly angered the Emperor, me.  
  
'What's so funny?'  
  
The look on TK's face became a calm one, 'Let me ask you something, Ichijouji, don't you think it's time you gave up thins little charade? It's getting old. You say you are the most powerful being in the Digital World, and yet you have no idea about the powers that are here. You're a pretender, you're like that story the Emperor's new clothes.'  
  
'You're NOBODY! Not like ME! You will bow down before me!'  
  
'Sorry the floor's kinda dirty.'  
  
Then I watch as my former self resorts to whipping TK on the side of the head with that cruel weapon I used to prize. He merle brings his hand up to the broken skin and then coolly looks back to the Emperor.  
  
'When you can't think of what to say, do you always resort to fighting?'  
  
'I guess.'  
  
'That's your problem, you don't know when to talk and when to fight.'  
  
I wake up sharply after he delivers the first blow; sweating and gasping for breath like a fish out of water. The words still echoing in my head, 'You're NOBODY! Not like ME!'  
  
The other night it was a memory more recent that plagued my dreams. I was walking home after school and a boy in my class starts at me, 'Oh, we still aren't good enough for your time are we? Well, you know what Ichijouji? You are a no body! Not any more you aren't. You are just a sad, dead shell of a person who wanted to fill his brothers' shoes, but found that they were too big for him and so tripped in them.'  
  
"Ken?"  
  
I lift my head quickly, I hadn't realized I got lost in my thoughts again. "Sorry."  
  
"It's a pity I can't hear your thoughts. You know often, may people who come in here, know exactly what is wrong with them, but don't know where to start talking about it. Is that how you feel?"  
  
I nod my head dumbly.  
  
"Well, is there one particular thing that comes to mind right now?"  
  
Before I can form a thought the words tumble out my mouth, "I'm nobody."  
  
She frowns at me, her eyes boring into me behind those black rectangular glasses, "Why do you think that?"  
  
"Because all my life I have been trying to be someone I'm not, my brother. And for years I tried to convince myself that I was someone and that because I was always on the news and in magazines, I was someone. But I knew deep down that I was a nobody, a fake. I didn't know who I was back then and I still don't know who I am now. So therefore I am nobody."  
  
She characteristically removes her glasses and places her chin on her hands, leaning over the desk. "Tell me, why do you think Yolei loves you?"  
  
I sit there speechless for a few seconds, "I don't know."  
  
"Oh, come on, I'm sure she has mentioned something."  
  
I think back to our last date, it brings a slight smile to the corner of my mouth. Some how in the middle of one of her stories, she had knocked her hand hard against the wall and she instantly stopped talking to yelp with pain and cradle the wounded hand. Instantly I was there, sitting next to her at the booth seat of the coffee shop, taking the fragile hand in mine to take a look at it. There was a red area on the back of her palm, so I brought it gently to my lips to kiss it. She blushed as I turned to the waiter to ask him for some ice. When I turned back to her, beamed at me and simply said, "That's why I love you Ken-chan, you have this gentle way of making me feel like I'm the most important person in the world."  
  
I look up and say, "She said I was gentle."  
  
"What about Davis, why do you think he is friends with you?"  
  
My first thought is that I think he feels sorry for me, but something in me knows better. His voice fills my head after I told him about the bad day I had at school.  
  
'Dude, Ken, what do they know? You are the kindest, strongest person I know, don't let them tell you otherwise! And don't you think otherwise.'  
  
"He said I was strong and kind."  
  
"There you are, you are a gentle, kind and strong person. And that's just a start Ken."  
  
There is a pause for a moment when she finds the question that is rattling around in my mind.  
  
"And what about your parents Ken? What do they say about you?"  
  
I sit there thinking. I seem to do that a lot. Think. I'm raking my brain to think of something. Well, I know they love me. I never said they didn't. The only thing that I can get out of my mouth is, "My parents love me, I know that, it's just…"  
  
"It's just?"  
  
"I still feel like I disappoint them sometimes." Then, like an explosion, I stand up and declare, "They drive me insane!"  
  
"Really Ken? Why, what do they do…?"  
  
The clock on her desk chimes and that informs us that it's time for me to go.  
  
"Okay, well, next week we will work on that, okay?"  
  
I nod my head and leave the office.  
  
~~~~****~~~~  
  
Here I am again, panting, sweating in my bed. It's almost time for me to get up for school anyway. I wipe away the salty beads of perspiration that have accumulated upon my pale forehead. My hair is drenched in it, and makes my skin itch where it sticks to it. I pull my pajama top off over my head and throw it over the railing of my high bed, letting it float to the carpet below. Running my hands through my dark hair, pushing the bangs out of my eyes, I turn to Wormmon, who is wrapped up in a world of peace while he sleeps. That is, I can only hope that I didn't provide much for his nightmares to haunt him with.  
  
"Ken-chan."  
  
Damn, I woke him up. I hate doing that. I look down at his docile, sleepy eyes and smile weakly, "Yes Wormmon?"  
  
"You had another nightmare didn't you?"  
  
I can't lie to him. How anyone could lie to those painful blue eyes, is a mystery to me. I simply nod my head.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
My brows knit together, "What for? It wasn't your fault."  
  
'If anyone is to blame for my nightmares, it's me.'  
  
"I'm sorry that I can't make them go away."  
  
I scoop him up into my arms and hold him to my chest. "Do me a favor Wormmon, don't ever leave me."  
  
"I don't intend to, Ken-chan."  
  
I flop down onto my damp pillow. "I really don't feel like going to school today."  
  
"But you have a test today Ken-chan."  
  
"Aww, yay. Can't someone kill me and put me out of my misery?"  
  
"Ken-chan, don't say things like that."  
  
"I'm sorry, Wormmon, I didn't really mean it. I just really don't look forward to writing a test that I know I'm not going to do as well as Osa-"  
  
"No! Don't think like that, Ken-chan."  
  
I sigh, "You are right Wormmon. I shouldn't think like that." I take a deep breath, "Okay, I'm going to go to school today, and do the best I can. Today is going to be a good day, I'm going to see Yolei and Davis and then we are all going to the movies."  
  
"That's better."  
  
That actually did bring a smile to my face. I sit up and start climbing down the ladder at my bed.  
  
"And you get to ride with Yolei in the car." Wormmon teased.  
  
"Yes, WITH Davis and Jun."  
  
"Jun?"  
  
"Yes, she is driving us."  
  
He looks down on me, with what I can only recognize as a frown, "Jun? Driving? Are you okay with that?"  
  
I snort, "Well, yeah, she's not such a bad driver and she has improved a lot since she got her license."  
  
"Well, just as long as you hold on tight to me, I'm fine with it."  
  
"Don't worry, I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you."  
  
~~~~****~~~~  
  
I've been in the bathroom now for almost an hour. I'm going to be late. Jun, Davis and Yolei are going to be here soon to take me to the movies, but something keeps me here and forces me to look into the mirror. I've showered, washed my hair, combed and dried it. I've brushed my teeth and gotten dressed. So what is that feeling in my gut that is telling me that I have forgotten something. I stare at my reflection with such intensity that it's almost as if I am seeing me for the first time. I keep thinking about them picking me up and then that sickening feeling runs down my throat and weighs like an anchor in my stomach. I realize what it is. It's a sense of foreboding. You know, like you just know that something bad is going to happen.  
  
I shake the feeling away, and tell myself, 'Don't be silly Ichijouji, what could go wrong? I am going to be with my friends, with my best friend, Davis, with the love of my life, Yolei and my partner, Wormmon. Tonight is just what I needed. A night to forget all the negative thoughts.'  
  
"Ken, honey!" My mom calls me from the kitchen; "You're going to be late!"  
  
I rush out the bathroom and gather up my scarf and Wormmon and move to the TV area, where my father is. There is an awkward silence between us for a few moments and I know what it is he is bursting to ask. To his surprise I answer it for him, "The test went okay. I think I did well. Not as well as…"  
  
"That's great, son. Listen, Ken, I want you to know that I don't wish you were him, it's just…"  
  
"Ken! Yolei and Davis are at the door!"  
  
My mother catches my attention and I say good-bye to my dad and kiss my mom before heading out the door. I should have taken more time to say good-bye to them.  
  
I chuckle to myself as I listen to Yolei and Davis' banter. Yolei seems a bit indignant about something.  
  
"I don't see why we both had to come up here."  
  
Davis glared at her, "He's my best friend you know, just 'cause I am not dating him, doesn't mean that I don't have a right to meet him at the door."  
  
"Ooh Davis! Just shut…Hey Ken."  
  
Grinning I greet them and we head to the elevator.  
  
As I got into the car, that odd sensation of nausea overwhelms me and I struggle with myself to get into the car. I sit in-between Davis and Yolei, Wormmon in my lap. Poromon is in Yolei's lap as is the case with Demiveemon.  
  
I watch the scenery speed by us. It's amazing how fast the world can really pass you by and you don't really even know it. It happened in a second. Not even a second. To the left of us we hear the deafening horn of a red car, speeding through a red light. The impact was on Davis' side and the car spun several times before connecting with a nearby street lamp. All that went through my mind was that the lamp was by Yolei's side and I was unable to protect her. Then I realized Wormmon was no longer in my lap. I tried to turn my head, but an immense, stabbing pain cut up and down my spine and I thought it best to stay still.  
  
I don't know how long I sat there. Tears staining my cheeks, while I waited for someone, anyone. Finally the sounds of sirens were heard and doctors and paramedics managed to remove us from the crumpled metal that was once called a car. I remember screaming to the paramedic that was caring me out of the wreckage. I was trying to find Wormmon. In the corner of my eye, I could see a woman dressed in navy blue with white writing on her back, pick up a green and crimson object. She turned to me and looked down. In that second, I knew, he was gone and he would never come back. Digimon don't get reconfigured in the real world. I remember wishing to myself that I were unconscious. But I was wide-awake and fully aware of the pain that seared through me like white-hot lava oozing through my body. Pain from my wounds, pain from my loss. I remember crying and then everything around me went hazy.  
  
~~~~****~~~~  
  
I slowly blink my eyes open. It's so bright around me. There is a lot of white. The hospital, not a place I like very much. I don't have a lot of fond memories of this place. I can hear someone sobbing to my right and in an instant of realizing I am wake, she is hugging me. "Mama."  
  
"Oh Ken!"  
  
My father is standing behind her. He comes to hug me too, but something is very wrong. And before I can convince myself not to ask this question, it escapes me like a wriggling fish, just caught and struggling to get back to it's rightful home.  
  
"How are Davis and Yolei?"  
  
My mother lets out a gasp and sob and her hand snaps to her mouth, as she turns away from me.  
  
My father is the one to deliver the news to me. I know that it is bad, I prepare myself.  
  
"Davis…son, Davis didn't make it. The doctors said it was instant and he didn't feel much pain."  
  
'He didn't feel much pain.' Is that supposed to make me feel better? Is that supposed to fill the empty void that has just instantly opened up in me? As if someone had removed a vital organ from me, leaving an empty space? Are those words meant to heal it? I swallow. "And…and Yolei?"  
  
"She's on…life-support in ICU, but…"  
  
"It doesn't look good." I turn my head and let the crystal waters drop from my blue eyes. I have lost two of my anchors tonight. If I lost Yolei, I would be lost to this world. I already knew this. Already told myself this. Was some entity listening in on my thoughts? Did it find it funny to see what would happen if they were taken from me. Was it some kind of game to it? I mill over this thought for a moment. There has to be something out there that has been messing with me. With my life. Why do these kinds of things happen to me?  
  
"Ken, honey?"  
  
"I want to be alone."  
  
~~~~****~~~~  
  
Three days. Three Godforsaken days. I have asked it over and over again since that very second I sat awake in that mutilated scrap metal. Why didn't I die? Why couldn't it have been me? Why Davis? Why Wormmon? Why do they get to leave me here? It's not fair. Why Osamu? Why anyone?  
  
I slowly make my way to the ICU, where Yolei is sleeping. Like a princess, waiting for her prince to kiss her and awaken her. She would look like a princess too, if it weren't for all the tubes and machines that cluttered her beautiful face. Kari, TK and Cody are all there again. Kari helps me to her bed and into a chair.  
  
"What have her parents decided?" I ask, dreading and knowing the answer. She was declared brain-dead yesterday and it was up to her parents to decide whether or not she stay on the life-support.  
  
Kari can't bring herself to say it, so TK is left to give me the news. "They," his voice is croaky, "they say that they don't think it is right for her to suffer any longer than she has to…"  
  
By this point, Cody is sobbing uncontrollably, and Kari is rubbing his shoulders in a confront, she herself needs.  
  
I nod my head, letting TK keep the rest of that devastating sentence silent forever. I feel numb right now. I feel guilty for it. I'm not supposed to feel numb. I'm supposed to feel devastated. Crying beyond control. Hurting all over. But I'm not. I just feel…empty. Hollow, like one of those chocolate Easter eggs. That if someone were to come now and touch me too hard, or drop me, I would crumble and break inside myself.  
  
"Ken? Do you need someone to take you back to your room?"  
  
A nurse has come to look for me, long after the others left. Everything I do and say is very mechanical now. The way I lift my head in response. The way I say, "No. I want to be with her." The way I stand up and move to her bed.  
  
The woman dressed in white nods and leaves me to be with the last person keeping me here on this earth. Tomorrow she will no longer be here. Just like Davis. Just like Wormmon. Just like Osamu. The choking thought haunts me. I can't live without her. She keeps me sane. She keeps me here. I need her.  
  
"You can't take her!" I call to someone. Anyone who is out there listening. A higher power? I'll never know. Not until I die…not until I die.  
  
In a second the thought worms its way into my mind. I move off in a determined direction. Beating myself up the entire time of how I have minor injuries and how I should be the one lying in that bed, no her, nor Davis. I sneak into the supply room with a surprising amount of ease, grab whatever I can get my hands on that looks lethal and grip the bottles in my shaking hands. Lee once told me that few suicidal people don't try to do it again. I guess she was right. But this time, it's different. This time, it's not to escape the guilt or pain of what I had done as the Emperor. No, this time it was a completely different reason. To be with the people who keep me sane and make me whole.  
  
Shutting the door behind me, I kiss her cold lips, running my fingers through her lavender hair, convulsing with the force of the tears. Why can't she just wake up, like in the story? I press the first bottle to my lips, collecting a large number of pills under my tongue. I grab the cup of water near her bed and gulp it down. Doing it until there are no more pills to be forced down my throat. I continue with the second bottle until that too, is hollow, just like me.  
  
Feeling unsteady on my feet, I collapse in the chair, letting the world around me fade as I close my eyes forever. I'll never get to finish what I was telling Lee, or see what mark I got on that test. But right now that doesn't seem so important.  
  
I'll see you soon Davis, Wormmon, Yolei…Osamu.  
  
"I'm sorry, mama, papa."  
  
~~~~****~~~~  
  
'Where am I?'  
  
A nurse leaning over the figure of Yolei blinked as she looked down at the girl with a dumbfounded expression. "She's awake!"  
  
"What?" the doctor in the room blurted out.  
  
"Yolei?" he said to her, looking into her eyes.  
  
Clearly speech was difficult for the girl, but she managed to get one important word out, "Ken?"  
  
The doctor sighed heavily, "I'm so sorry, Yolei, but he died last night."  
  
This, apparently was all the girl needed to know, because her eyes drifted closed again and her body simply shut down.  
  
The nurse seemed very affected by this, "Do we tell her parents that she woke up before she died?"  
  
The doctor shook his head gravely, "No, it would only hurt them. Obviously the two could not live without the other. That is often the case with soul- mates."  
  
And the nurse covered the beautiful, pale face of the modern-day Juliet.  
  
----~~~~-----  
  
Ken: Man! That was depressing!  
  
Osamu: Yeah that was a little too dark!  
  
Wormmon: What's wrong Nic?  
  
Nic: Nothing really, I was just in a dark mood. I'm sorry I brought everyone down.  
  
Kaiser: I see my voice didn't really feature in this one.  
  
Nic: No, not really, it didn't go exactly the way I planed, but hey, it ended how I wanted it to.  
  
Ken: You killed me again! You killed me in 'The End of the End' and you killed me in this! What else are you going to do to me?  
  
Osamu: Well, other than the major torture she does to you in 'Doppelgangland', not to mention in the sequel to 'Revenge'…  
  
Nic: Osamu! Have you been reading my scribbled notes again?  
  
Osamu: *Gulps* Um, Yeah, it was Kaisers' idea!  
  
Kaiser: Was not!  
  
Nic: *smacks both of them over the head*  
  
Ken: I'm sad now.  
  
Nic: Aww, *Hugs Ken* There there, Ken-chan. 


	2. 'song'

Okay, 7 channels influenced this story with their song 'Breath'  
  
I don't have it on CD, so I will try and get the words down from the tape I listened to.  
  
It's been so long since you've gone away  
  
And I know things will never be the same  
  
I'll break it all down so it will show to be clear  
  
But all the while, I'm wishing you were here  
  
In my dreams, I can see and feel your face  
  
But next to me such an empty space  
  
Sometimes this life doesn't make any sense to me  
  
I need some time to heal and some space to breathe  
  
I'm breathing you in and I'm breathing you out  
  
I'm breathing you in and I'm breathing you out  
  
Breathing you in and I'm breathing you out  
  
I'm breathing you in ah yeah  
  
As I lay on the floor and I wander why  
  
The question being is why did you die?  
  
I thank God for you and the memories  
  
But I still wish you were hear with me  
  
I'm breathing you and I'm breathing you out  
  
I'm breathing you and I'm breathing you out  
  
Breathing you in and I'm breathing you out  
  
I'm breathing you in ah yeah  
  
Gone away and I pray for the strength  
  
To, strength to carry on  
  
'Cause I'm breathing you and I'm breathing you out  
  
I still feel you though you're gone  
  
I'm breathing you in and I'm breathing you out  
  
I'm breathing you in and I'm breathing you out  
  
Breathing you in and I'm breathing you out  
  
I'm breathing you in ah yeah  
  
I'm breathing you in and I'm breathing you out  
  
I'm breathing you in and I'm breathing you out  
  
Breathing you in and I'm breathing you out  
  
Breathing you in ah yeah.  
  
(Okay sorry if I screwed up any lyrics there, if anyone has the words, it would be great if you sent me them, thanks!) 


End file.
